Written by: Martha, Kidway Assistant Director
I recently came across a quote by Karyn Purvis that has stayed with me: “Behavior is the language of children who have lost their voice.” Purvis is a pioneer in helping children who have experienced trauma, and her words remind us that behavior often tells a story.
Think about a time when you saw a child having a meltdown, refusing to participate, running away, or shutting down. What was your first reaction? Maybe you thought, someone needs to stop that behavior or perhaps, that must be the result of bad parenting. Their home life must be terrible. Maybe you even thought that child is simply bad.
While those reactions are understandable, what if we looked at behavior differently?
Think of behavior as a check engine light in a car. The light itself is not the problem. Rather, it is a signal that something beneath the hood needs attention. In the same way, a child's behavior is often communicating that something we cannot see is going on beneath the surface.
Children do not always have the words to express what they are feeling. Through their behavior, they may be telling us:
This doesn't mean behavior should be ignored. Healthy boundaries and expectations still matter. However, before rushing to correct the behavior, we should become curious about what is driving it. When we look beyond the behavior and seek to understand the need behind it, we are better equipped to respond in ways that support growth, connection, and healing.
How Can We Respond?
When we encounter challenging behavior in children, our first response should be to pause and become curious. Instead of asking, “How do I stop this behavior?” ask yourself, “What might this child be trying to communicate?”
Once we begin looking beneath the surface, we can make small adjustments that address the need behind the behavior. That might mean offering a fidget, providing a quieter space, using fewer words, suggesting an alternative activity, or simply sitting nearby as a calm, supportive presence. Often, children need connection and regulation before they are ready for correction.
It can also be helpful to reflect on our own experiences. What do you do when you feel overwhelmed? Maybe you become quiet. Maybe you get irritated. Perhaps you need some space, a calming presence, or a moment with fewer demands and fewer words.
Children are no different.
When a child is overwhelmed, anxious, confused, or dysregulated, they may not have the words to explain what they need. Their behavior often becomes their way of communicating. As caring adults we can ask ourselves: What would help this child feel safe, supported, understood, or a little more in control right now?
When we shift our focus from simply managing behavior to understanding the heart behind it, we create opportunities for connection, growth, and healing.
As believers, this perspective reflects the way God sees people. In 1 Samuel 16:7, the Lord reminds Samuel: "Don't judge by his appearance or height, for I have rejected him. The Lord doesn't see things the way you see them. People judge by outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart." (NLT)
Just as God looks beyond what is visible on the outside, we are called to look beyond a child's behavior and consider what may be happening within. When we choose curiosity over judgment and compassion over assumptions, we reflect God's heart and create space for children to feel seen, valued, and understood.
A Prayer
Dear Heavenly Father, thank you for the children you have placed in our lives. Help us to slow down and look beyond behavior so we can better understand what children may be experiencing. Give us wisdom to notice what kids may be trying to communicate, patience when things feel hard, and love that helps every child feel safe, seen, and cared for. Amen.
If you are interested in helping the next generation we encourage you to check out our Kidway Ministry, Youth Ministry, or our Diverse Needs ministry. Feel free to call the office at 419-423-5947 if you have any questions and ask for a Next Gen Staff.
Stories, news, and resources for things happening at Gateway Church.
